Julius Caesar DKC Style Act III
by Alex Sambora
Summary: Act three of DKC Julius Caesar.
1. Act III, Scene I

Disclaimer: Uh-huh...

Caesar-DK

Brutus-Diddy

Portia-Dixie

Octavius-Swanky (relation changed-in this "Caesar" is "Octavius's" older brother)

Antony-Funky

Lepidus-K. rool (seriously, don't ask)

Cassius-Wrinkly

Casca-Lanky

Decius-Chunky

Lucius-Kiddy

Metellus-KAOS

Cinna-Red Kremling

Ligarius-Klubba

Trebonius-Cthulu

Publius-K. Lumsy

Popillius Lena-Krusha

Artemidorus-Klump

XxXxXxXxX

Act III, Scene I

XxXxXxXxX

_A crowd of people enters, among them Klump and Inka-Dinka-Doo. A trumpet plays. DK, Diddy, Wrinkly, Lanky, Chunky, KAOS, Cthulu, Red Kremling, Funky, K. Rool, Krusha, K. Lumsy, and others enter._

**DK: **_**(to the Inka-Dinka-Doo) **_The Ides of March are come.

**Inka-Dinka-Doo: **Ay, DK, but not gone.

**Klump: **_**(offering his letter)**_ Hail, DK! Read this schedule.

**Chunky: **_**(offering DK another paper)**_

Cthulu doth desire you to o'er-read,

At your best leisure, this his humble suit.

**Klump: **O DK, read mine first, for mine's a suit

That touches DK nearer. Read it, great DK.

**DK: **What touches us ourself shall be last served.

**Klump: **Delay not, DK. Read it instantly.

**DK: **What, is the fellow mad?

**K. Lumsy: **_**(to Klump) **_Sirrah, give place.

**Wrinkly: **_**(to Klump)**_

What, urge you your petitions in the street?

Come to the Capitol.

_DK goes up to the senate house, the rest following._

**Krusha:** _**(to Wrinkly)**_ I wish your enterprise today may thrive.

**Wrinkly: **What enterprise, Krusha?

**Krusha: **Fare you well.

_Krusha approaches DK._

**Diddy: **_**(to Wrinkly)**_ What said Krusha?

**Wrinkly:** _**(aside to Diddy)**_

He wished today our enterprise might thrive.

I fear our purpose is discoverèd.

**Diddy: **Look how he makes to DK. Mark him.

**Wrinkly:** Lanky, be sudden, for we fear prevention

—Brutus, what shall be done? If this be known,

Wrinkly or DK never shall turn back,

For I will slay myself.

**Diddy: **Wrinkly, be constant.

Krusha speaks not of our purposes.

For, look, he smiles, and DK doth not change.

**Wrinkly: **Cthulu knows his time. For, look you, Diddy.

He draws Funky out of the way.

_Cthulu and Funky exit._

**Chunky: **Where is KAOS? Let him go

And presently prefer his suit to DK.

**Diddy: **He is addressed. Press near and second him.

**Red Kremling: **Lanky, you are the first that rears your hand.

**DK: **Are we all ready? What is now amiss

That DK and his senate must redress?

**KAOS: **_**(kneeling)**_

Most high, most mighty, and most puissant DK,

KAOS throws before thy seat

An humble heart—

**DK: **I must prevent thee, KAOS.

These couchings and these lowly courtesies

Might fire the blood of ordinary men

And turn preordinance and first decree

Into the law of children. Be not fond,

To think that DK bears such rebel blood

That will be thawed from the true quality

With that which melteth fools—I mean, sweet words,

Low-crookèd curtsies, and base spaniel fawning.

Thy brother by decree is banishèd.

If thou dost bend and pray and fawn for him,

I spurn thee like a cur out of my way.

Know, DK doth not wrong, nor without cause

Will he be satisfied.

**KAOS:** Is there no voice more worthy than my own

To sound more sweetly in great DK's ear

For the repealing of my banished brother?

**Diddy:** (kneeling) I kiss thy hand, but not in flattery, DK,

Desiring thee that KAOS' brother may

Have an immediate freedom of repeal.

**DK: **What, Diddy?

**Wrinkly: **_**(kneeling)**_ Pardon, DK. DK, pardon.

As low as to thy foot doth Wrinkly fall

To beg enfranchisement for KAOS' brother.

**DK:** I could be well moved if I were as you.

If I could pray to move, prayers would move me.

But I am constant as the northern star,

Of whose true-fixed and resting quality

There is no fellow in the firmament.

The skies are painted with unnumbered sparks.

They are all fire and every one doth shine,

But there's but one in all doth hold his place.

So in the world. 'Tis furnished well with men,

And men are flesh and blood, and apprehensive,

Yet in the number I do know but one

That unassailable holds on his rank,

Unshaked of motion. And that I am he

Let me a little show it even in this:

That I was constant Cimber should be banished,

And constant do remain to keep him so.

**Red Kremling: **_**(kneeling)**_ O DK—

**DK: **Hence! Wilt thou lift up Olympus?

**Chunky: **_**(kneeling)**_ Great DK—

**DK: **Doth not Diddy bootless kneel?

**Lanky: **Speak, hands, for me!

_Lanky and the other conspirators stab DK. Diddy stabs him last._

**DK: **Et tu, Diddy?—Then fall, DK.

_**(dies)**_

**RK:** Liberty! Freedom! Tyranny is dead!

Run hence, proclaim, cry it about the streets.

**Wrinkly:** Some to the common pulpits, and cry out,

"Liberty, freedom, and enfranchisement!"

_Confusion. Some citizens and senators exit._

**Diddy:** People and senators, be not affrighted.

Fly not. Stand still. Ambition's debt is paid.

**Lanky: **Go to the pulpit, Diddy.

**Chunky: **And Wrinkly, too.

**Diddy: **Where's K. Lumsy?

**RK:** Here, quite confounded with this mutiny.

**KAOS:** Stand fast together, lest some friend of DK's

Should chance—

**Diddy:** Talk not of standing.—K. Lumsy, good cheer.

There is no harm intended to your person,

Nor to no Roman else. So tell them, K. Lumsy.

**Wrinkly:** And leave us, K. Lumsy, lest that the people,

Rushing on us, should do your age some mischief.

**Diddy** Do so. And let no man abide this deed

But we the doers.

_K. Lumsy exits and Cthulu enters._

**Wrinkly:** Where is Funky?

**Cthulu: **Fled to his house amazed.

Men, wives, and children stare, cry out, and run

As it were doomsday.

**Diddy: **Fates, we will know your pleasures.

That we shall die, we know. 'Tis but the time,

And drawing days out, that men stand upon.

**Wrinkly:** Why, he that cuts off twenty years of life

Cuts off so many years of fearing death.

**Diddy:** Grant that, and then is death a benefit.

So are we DK's friends, that have abridged

His time of fearing death. Stoop, Romans, stoop,

And let us bathe our hands in DK's blood

Up to the elbows, and besmear our swords.

Then walk we forth, even to the marketplace,

And waving our red weapons o'er our heads

Let's all cry, "Peace, freedom, and liberty!"

**Wrinkly:** Stoop, then, and wash.

_The conspirators smear their hands and swords with DK's blood._

**Wrinkly: **How many ages hence

Shall this our lofty scene be acted over

In states unborn and accents yet unknown!

**Diddy: **How many times shall DK bleed in sport,

That now on Pompey's basis lies along

No worthier than the dust!

**Wrinkly: **So oft as that shall be,

So often shall the knot of us be called

"The men that gave their country liberty."

**Chunky:** What, shall we forth?

**Wrinkly: **Ay, every man away.

Diddy shall lead, and we will grace his heels

With the most boldest and best hearts of Rome.

_Funky's servant enters._

**Diddy: **Soft! Who comes here? A friend of Funky's.

**Funky's servant:** _**(kneeling)**_ Thus, Diddy, did my master bid me kneel.

_**(falls prostrate)**_ Thus did Funky bid me fall down,

And, being prostrate, thus he bade me say:

Diddy is noble, wise, valiant, and honest.

DK was mighty, bold, royal, and loving.

Say I love Diddy, and I honor him.

Say I feared DK, honored him, and loved him.

If Diddy will vouchsafe that Funky

May safely come to him and be resolved

How DK hath deserved to lie in death,

Funky shall not love DK dead

So well as Diddy living, but will follow

The fortunes and affairs of noble Diddy

Thorough the hazards of this untrod state

With all true faith. So says my master Funky.

**Diddy:** Thy master is a wise and valiant Roman.

I never thought him worse.

Tell him, so please him come unto this place,

He shall be satisfied and, by my honor,

Depart untouched.

**Funky's servant:** _**(rising)**_ I'll fetch him presently.

_The servant exits._

**Diddy:** I know that we shall have him well to friend.

**Wrinkly:** I wish we may. But yet have I a mind

That fears him much, and my misgiving still

Falls shrewdly to the purpose.

_Funky enters._

**Diddy:** But here comes Funky.—Welcome, Funky.

**Funky:** O mighty DK! Dost thou lie so low?

Are all thy conquests, glories, triumphs, spoils,

Shrunk to this little measure? Fare thee well.

—I know not, gentlemen, what you intend,

Who else must be let blood, who else is rank.

If I myself, there is no hour so fit

As DK's death's hour, nor no instrument

Of half that worth as those your swords, made rich

With the most noble blood of all this world.

I do beseech ye, if you bear me hard,

Now, whilst your purpled hands do reek and smoke,

Fulfill your pleasure. Live a thousand years,

I shall not find myself so apt to die.

No place will please me so, no mean of death,

As here by DK, and by you cut off,

The choice and master spirits of this age.

**Diddy:** O Funky, beg not your death of us.

Though now we must appear bloody and cruel—

As by our hands and this our present act

You see we do—yet see you but our hands

And this the bleeding business they have done.

Our hearts you see not. They are pitiful.

And pity to the general wrong of Rome—

As fire drives out fire, so pity pity—

Hath done this deed on DK. For your part,

To you our swords have leaden points, Funky.

Our arms in strength of malice and our hearts

Of brothers' temper do receive you in

With all kind love, good thoughts, and reverence.

**Wrinkly:** Your voice shall be as strong as any man's

In the disposing of new dignities.

**Diddy: **Only be patient till we have appeased

The multitude, beside themselves with fear,

And then we will deliver you the cause,

Why I, that did love DK when I struck him,

Have thus proceeded.

**Funky: **I doubt not of your wisdom.

Let each man render me his bloody hand.

(shakes hands with the conspirators)

First, Diddymus Prosculus, will I shake with you.

—Next, Caia Ryn, do I take your hand.

—Now, Chunky Prosculus, yours.—Now yours, KAOS.

—Yours, Toma.—And, my valiant Lanky, yours.

—Though last, not last in love, yours, good Cthulu.

—Gentlemen all, alas, what shall I say?

My credit now stands on such slippery ground

That one of two bad ways you must conceit me,

Either a coward or a flatterer

—That I did love thee, DK, O, 'tis true.

If then thy spirit look upon us now,

Shall it not grieve thee dearer than thy death

To see thy Funky making his peace,

Shaking the bloody fingers of thy foes—

Most noble!—in the presence of thy corse?

Had I as many eyes as thou hast wounds,

Weeping as fast as they stream forth thy blood,

It would become me better than to close

In terms of friendship with thine enemies.

Pardon me, Donkey! Here wast thou bayed, brave hart;

Here didst thou fall; and here thy hunters stand,

Signed in thy spoil, and crimsoned in thy lethe.

O world, thou wast the forest to this hart,

And this indeed, O world, the heart of thee.

How like a deer, strucken by many princes,

Dost thou here lie!

**Wrinkly:** Funky—

**Funky:**Pardon me, Caia Ryn.

The enemies of DK shall say this;

Then, in a friend, it is cold modesty.

**Wrinkly:** I blame you not for praising DK so.

But what compact mean you to have with us?

Will you be pricked in number of our friends?

Or shall we on, and not depend on you?

**Funky:** Therefore I took your hands, but was indeed

Swayed from the point by looking down on DK.

Friends am I with you all and love you all

Upon this hope: that you shall give me reasons

Why and wherein DK was dangerous.

**Diddy:** Or else were this a savage spectacle!

Our reasons are so full of good regard

That were you, Funky, the son of DK,

You should be satisfied.

**Funky: **That's all I seek.

And am moreover suitor that I may

Produce his body to the marketplace,

And in the pulpit, as becomes a friend,

Speak in the order of his funeral.

**Diddy:** You shall, Funky.

**Wrinkly: **Diddy, a word with you.

_**(aside to Diddy) **_You know not what you do.

Do not consent

That Funky speak in his funeral.

Know you how much the people may be moved

By that which he will utter?

**Diddy:** _**(aside to Wrinkly)**_ By your pardon.

I will myself into the pulpit first,

And show the reason of our DK's death.

What Funky shall speak, I will protest,

He speaks by leave and by permission,

And that we are contented DK shall

Have all true rites and lawful ceremonies.

It shall advantage more than do us wrong.

**Wrinkly:** _**(aside to Diddy)**_ I know not what may fall. I like it not.

**Diddy:** Funky, here, take you DK's body.

You shall not in your funeral speech blame us,

But speak all good you can devise of DK,

And say you do 't by our permission.

Else shall you not have any hand at all

About his funeral. And you shall speak

In the same pulpit whereto I am going,

After my speech is ended.

**Funky:** Be it so.

I do desire no more.

**Diddy:** Prepare the body then, and follow us.

_Everyone except Funky exits._

**Funky:** O, pardon me, thou bleeding piece of earth,

That I am meek and gentle with these butchers!

Thou art the ruins of the noblest man

That ever livèd in the tide of times.

Woe to the hand that shed this costly blood!

Over thy wounds now do I prophesy—

Which, like dumb mouths, do ope their ruby lips

To beg the voice and utterance of my tongue—

A curse shall light upon the limbs of men.

Domestic fury and fierce civil strife

Shall cumber all the parts of Italy.

Blood and destruction shall be so in use,

And dreadful objects so familiar,

That mothers shall but smile when they behold

Their infants quartered with the hands of war,

All pity choked with custom of fell deeds,

And DK's spirit, ranging for revenge,

With Ate by his side come hot from hell,

Shall in these confines with a monarch's voice

Cry "Havoc!" and let slip the dogs of war,

That this foul deed shall smell above the earth

With carrion men, groaning for burial.

_Swanky's servant enters._

**Funky: **You serve Swanky Kong, do you not?

**Swanky's servant:** I do, Funky.

**Funky: **DK did write for him to come to Rome.

**Swanky's servant:** He did receive his letters and is coming.

And bid me say to you by word of mouth—

(sees DK's body) O DK!—

**Funky:** Thy heart is big. Get thee apart and weep.

Passion, I see, is catching, for mine eyes,

Seeing those beads of sorrow stand in thine,

Began to water. Is thy master coming?

**Swanky's servant:** He lies tonight within seven leagues of Rome.

**Funky:** Post back with speed, and tell him what hath chanced.

Here is a mourning Rome, a dangerous Rome,

No Rome of safety for Swanky yet.

Hie hence, and tell him so.—Yet, stay awhile.

Thou shalt not back till I have borne this corse

Into the marketplace. There shall I try,

In my oration, how the people take

The cruèl issue of these bloody men.

According to the which, thou shalt discourse

To young Swanky of the state of things.

Lend me your hand.

_They exit with DK's body._


	2. Act III, Scene II

Disclaimer: Mmm...

Caesar-DK

Brutus-Diddy

Octavius-Swanky (relation changed-in this "Caesar" is "Octavius's" older brother)

Antony-Funky

Lepidus-K. rool (seriously, don't ask)

Cassius-Wrinkly

Casca-Lanky

Decius-Chunky

Lucius-Kiddy

Metellus-KAOS

Cinna-Red Kremling

Ligarius-Klubba

Trebonius-Cthulu

XxXxXxXxX

Act III, Scene II

XxXxXxXxX

_Enter Diddy and Wrinkly with the plebeians(various Kremlings and Kongs)._

**Plebeians: **We will be satisfied! Let us be satisfied!

**Diddy:** Then follow me and give me audience, friends.

—Wrinkly, go you into the other street

And part the numbers.

—Those that will hear me speak, let 'em stay here.

Those that will follow Wrinkly, go with her,

And public reasons shall be renderèd

Of DK's death.

**First Kong: **I will hear Diddy speak.

**Another Kong:** I will hear Wrinkly and compare their reasons

When severally we hear them renderèd.

**Second Kong:** I'll listen to Wrinkly, and we will compare their reasons.

_Wrinkly exits with some of the plebeians. Diddy gets up on the platform._

**Third Kong:** The noble Diddy is ascended. Silence!

**Diddy:** Be patient till the last. Romans, countrymen, and lovers! Hear me for my cause, and be silent that you may hear. Believe me for mine honor, and have respect to mine honor that you may believe. Censure me in your wisdom, and awake your senses that you may the better judge. If there be any in this assembly, any dear friend of DK's, to him I say that Diddy's love to DK was no less than his. If then that friend demand why Brutus rose against DK, this is my answer: not that I loved DK less, but that I loved Rome more. Had you rather DK were living and die all slaves, than that DK were dead, to live all free men? As DK loved me, I weep for him. As he was fortunate, I rejoice at it. As he was valiant, I honor him. But, as he was ambitious, I slew him. There is tears for his love, joy for his fortune, honor for his valor, and death for his ambition. Who is here so base that would be a bondman? If any, speak—for him have I offended. Who is here so rude that would not be a Roman? If any, speak—for him have I offended. Who is here so vile that will not love his country? If any, speak—for him have I offended. I pause for a reply.

**ALL: **None, Diddy, none.

**Diddy:** Then none have I offended. I have done no more to DK than you shall do to Diddy The question of his death is enrolled in the Capitol. His glory not extenuated wherein he was worthy, nor his offenses enforced for which he suffered death.

_Funky enters with DK's body._

**Diddy: **Here comes his body, mourned by Funky, who, though he had no hand in his death, shall receive the benefit of his dying—a place in the commonwealth—as which of you shall not? With this I depart: that, as I slew my best lover for the good of Rome, I have the same dagger for myself when it shall please my country to need my death.

**All:** Live, Diddy! Live, live!

**First Kong:** Bring him with triumph home unto his house!

**Second Kong: **Give him a statue with his ancestors!

**Third Kong:** Let him be DK!

**First Kremling: **DK's better parts

Shall be crowned in Diddy!

**First Kong:** We'll bring him to his house with shouts and clamors.

**Diddy: **My countrymen—

**Second Kong: **Peace, silence! Diddy speaks.

**First Kong:** Peace, ho!

**Diddy:** Good countrymen, let me depart alone.

And, for my sake, stay here with Funky

Do grace to DK's corpse, and grace his speech

Tending to DK's glories, which Funky

By our permission is allowed to make.

I do entreat you, not a man depart,

Save I alone, till Funky have spoke.

_Diddy exits._

**First Kong:** Stay, ho! And let us hear Funky.

**Third Kong:** Let him go up into the public chair.

We'll hear him.—Noble Funky, go up.

**Funky: **For Diddy's sake, I am beholding to you.

_**(ascends the pulpit) **_

**First Kremling:** What does he say of Diddy?

**Third Kong: **He says for Diddy's sake

He finds himself beholding to us all.

**First Kremling:** 'Twere best he speak no harm of Diddy here.

**First Kong:** This DK was a tyrant.

**Third Kong: **Nay, that's certain.

We are blest that Rome is rid of him.

**First Kremling:** Peace! Let us hear what Funky can say.

**Funky:** You gentle Romans—

**All: **Peace, ho! Let us hear him.

**Funky:** Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears.

I come to bury DK, not to praise him.

The evil that men do lives after them;

The good is oft interrèd with their bones.

So let it be with DK. The noble Diddy

Hath told you DK was ambitious.

If it were so, it was a grievous fault,

And grievously hath DK answered it.

Here, under leave of Diddy and the rest—

For Diddy is an honorable man;

So are they all, all honorable men—

Come I to speak in DK's funeral.

He was my friend, faithful and just to me.

But Diddy says he was ambitious,

And Diddy is an honorable man.

He hath brought many captives home to Rome

Whose ransoms did the general coffers fill.

Did this in DK seem ambitious?

When that the poor have cried, DK hath wept.

Ambition should be made of sterner stuff.

Yet Diddy says he was ambitious,

And Diddy is an honorable man.

You all did see that on the Lupercal

I thrice presented him a kingly crown,

Which he did thrice refuse. Was this ambition?

Yet Diddy says he was ambitious,

And, sure, he is an honorable Diddy spoke,

But here I am to speak what I do know.

You all did love him once, not without cause.

What cause withholds you then to mourn for him?

O judgment! Thou art fled to brutish beasts,

And men have lost their reason. Bear with me.

My heart is in the coffin there with DK,

And I must pause till it come back to me. _**(weeps)**_

**First Kong:** Methinks there is much reason in his sayings.

**Second Kong:** If thou consider rightly of the matter,

DK has had great wrong.

**Third Kong: **Has he, masters?

I fear there will a worse come in his place.

**First Kremling:** Marked ye his words? He would not take the crown.

Therefore 'tis certain he was not ambitious.

**First Kong:** If it be found so, some will dear abide it.

**Second Kong:** Poor soul! His eyes are red as fire with weeping.

**Third Kong:** There's not a nobler man in Rome than Funky.

**First Kremling:** Now mark him. He begins again to speak.

**Funky:** But yesterday the word of DK might

Have stood against the world. Now lies he there,

And none so poor to do him reverence.

O masters, if I were disposed to stir

Your hearts and minds to mutiny and rage,

I should do Diddy wrong, and Wrinkly wrong—

Who, you all know, are honorable men.

I will not do them wrong. I rather choose

To wrong the dead, to wrong myself and you,

Than I will wrong such honorable men.

But here's a parchment with the seal of DK.

I found it in his closet. 'Tis his will.

Let but the commons hear this testament—

Which, pardon me, I do not mean to read—

And they would go and kiss dead DK's wounds

And dip their napkins in his sacred blood,

Yea, beg a hair of him for memory,

And, dying, mention it within their wills,

Bequeathing it as a rich legacy

Unto their issue.

**First Kremling:** We'll hear the will. Read it, Funky!

**All:** The will, the will! We will hear DK's will.

**Funky:** Have patience, gentle friends. I must not read it.

It is not meet you know how DK loved you.

You are not wood, you are not stones, but men.

And, being men, bearing the will of DK,

It will inflame you, it will make you mad.

'Tis good you know not that you are his heirs.

For, if you should—Oh, what would come of it!

**First Kremling:** Read the will. We'll hear it, Funky.

You shall read us the will, DK's will.

**Funky:** Will you be patient? Will you stay awhile?

I have o'ershot myself to tell you of it.

I fear I wrong the honorable men

Whose daggers have stabbed DK. I do fear it.

**First Kremling:** They were traitors! "Honorable men"!

**ALL:** The will! The testament!

**Second Kong:** They were villains, murderers. The will! Read the will!

**Funky:** You will compel me, then, to read the will?

Then make a ring about the corpse of DK,

And let me show you him that made the will.

Shall I descend? And will you give me leave?

**All:** Come down.

**Second Kong: **Descend.

**Thid Kong: **You shall have leave.

_Funky descends from the pulpit._

**First Kremling: **A ring!

Stand round.

**First Kong: **Stand from the hearse. Stand from the body.

**Second Kong:** Room for Funky, most noble Funky!

**Funky:** Nay, press not so upon me. Stand far off.

**All:** Stand back. Room! Bear back.

**Funky:** If you have tears, prepare to shed them now.

You all do know this mantle. I remember

The first time ever DK put it on.

'Twas on a summer's evening in his tent,

That day he overcame the Nervii.

Look, in this place ran Wrinkly's dagger through.

See what a rent the envious Lanky made.

Through this the well-belovèd Diddy stabbed.

And as he plucked his cursèd steel away,

Mark how the blood of DK followed it,

As rushing out of doors, to be resolved

If Diddy so unkindly knocked, or no.

For Diddy, as you know, was DK's angel.

Judge, O you gods, how dearly DK loved him!

This was the most unkindest cut of all.

For when the noble DK saw him stab,

Ingratitude, more strong than traitors' arms,

Quite vanquished him. Then burst his mighty heart,

And, in his mantle muffling up his face,

Even at the base of Pompey's statue,

Which all the while ran blood, great DK fell.

O, what a fall was there, my countrymen!

Then I, and you, and all of us fell down,

Whilst bloody treason flourished over us.

Oh, now you weep, and, I perceive, you feel

The dint of pity. These are gracious drops.

Kind souls, what, weep you when you but behold

Our DK's vesture wounded? Look you here,

Here is himself, marred, as you see, with traitors.

_**(lifts up DK's mantle)**_

**First Kong:** O piteous spectacle!

**Second Kong: **O noble DK!

**Third Kong:** O woeful day!

**First Kremling:** O traitors, villains!

**First Kong: **O most bloody sight!

**Second Kong:** We will be revenged.

**All:** Revenge! About! Seek! Burn! Fire! Kill! Slay!

Let not a traitor live!

**Funky: **Stay, countrymen.

**First Kong:** Peace there! Hear the noble Funky.

**Second Kong: **We'll hear him. We'll follow him. We'll die with him.

**Funky:** Good friends, sweet friends! Let me not stir you up

To such a sudden flood of mutiny.

They that have done this deed are honorable.

What private griefs they have, alas, I know not,

That made them do it. They are wise and honorable,

And will, no doubt, with reasons answer you.

I come not, friends, to steal away your hearts.

I am no orator, as Diddy is,

But, as you know me all, a plain blunt man

That love my friend. And that they know full well

That gave me public leave to speak of him.

For I have neither wit nor words nor worth,

Action nor utterance nor the power of speech,

To stir men's blood. I only speak right on.

I tell you that which you yourselves do know,

Show you sweet DK's wounds, poor poor dumb mouths,

And bid them speak for me. But were I Diddy,

And Diddy Funky, there were an Funky

Would ruffle up your spirits and put a tongue

In every wound of DK that should move

The stones of Rome to rise and mutiny.

**All:** We'll mutiny.

**First Kong: **We'll burn the house of Diddy.

**Third Kong:** Away, then! Come, seek the conspirators.

**Funky:** Yet hear me, countrymen. Yet hear me speak.

**All: **Peace, ho! Hear Funky. Most noble Funky!

**Funky:** Why, friends, you go to do you know not what.

Wherein hath DK thus deserved your loves?

Alas, you know not. I must tell you then.

You have forgot the will I told you of.

**All:** Most true. The will! Let's stay and hear the will.

**Funky:** Here is the will, and under DK's seal

To every Roman citizen he gives—

To every several man—seventy-five drachmas.

**Second Kong:** Most noble DK! We'll revenge his death.

**Third Kong:** O royal DK!

**Funky: **Hear me with patience.

**All: **Peace, ho!

**Funky:** Moreover, he hath left you all his walks,

His private arbors and new-planted orchards,

On this side Tiber. He hath left them you

And to your heirs forever—common pleasures,

To walk abroad and recreate yourselves.

Here was a Kong! When comes such another?

**First Kong:** Never, never.—Come, away, away!

We'll burn his body in the holy place,

And with the brands fire the traitors' houses.

Take up the body.

**Second Kong: **Go fetch fire.

**Third Kong:** Pluck down benches.

**First Kremling:** Pluck down forms, windows, anything.

_Citizens exit with DK's body._

**Funky:** Now let it work. Mischief, thou art afoot.

Take thou what course thou wilt!

_Swanky's servant enters._

**Funky: **How now, fellow?

**Swanky's servant:** Sir, Swanky is already come to Rome.

**Funky:** Where is he?

**Swanky's servant:** He and K. Rool are at DK's house.

**Funky:** And thither will I straight to visit him.

He comes upon a wish. Fortune is merry,

And in this mood will give us anything.

**Swanky's servant:** I heard him say, Diddy and Wrinkly

Are rid like madmen through the gates of Rome.

**Funky:** Belike they had some notice of the people

How I had moved them. Bring me to Swanky.

_They exit._


	3. Act III, Scene III

Disclaimer: I play Cinna the poet(my name isn't really Emma)... This should also explain why I haven't updated my stories other than the DKC Caesar ones...

XxXxXxXxX

Act III, Scene III

XxXxXxXxX

_Emma enters, followed by PLEBEIANS._

**Emma:** I dreamt tonight that I did feast with DK,

And things unlucky charge my fantasy.

I have no will to wander forth of doors,

Yet something leads me forth.

**First Kong:** What is your name?

**Second Kong:** Whither are you going?

**Third Kong: **Where do you dwell?

**First Kremling:** Are you a married woman or a bachelor?

**Second Kong:** Answer every man directly.

**First Kong:** Ay, and briefly.

**First Kremling:** Ay, and wisely.

**Third Kong:** Ay, and truly, you were best.

**Emma:** What is my name? Whither am I going? Where do I dwell? Am I a married woman or a bachelor? Then, to answer every man directly and briefly, wisely and truly—wisely I say, I am a bachelor.

**Second Kong:** That's as much as to say they are fools that marry. You'll bear me a bang for that, I fear. Proceed, directly.

**Emma:** Directly, I am going to DK's funeral.

**First Kong:** As a friend or an enemy?

**Emma:** As a friend.

**Second Kong:** That matter is answered directly.

**First Kremling:** For your dwelling—briefly.

**Emma:** Briefly, I dwell by the Capitol.

**Third Kong:** Your name, madam, truly.

**Emma:** Truly, my name is Emma.

**First Kong:** Tear her to pieces. She's a conspirator.

**Emma:** I am Emma the poet. I am Emma the poet.

**First Kremling:** Tear her for her bad verses! Tear her for her bad verses!

**Emma: **I am not Toma the conspirator.

**First Kremling:** It is no matter. Her name's Toma. Pluck but her name out of her heart and turn her going.

**Third Kong:** Tear her, tear her!

_The plebeians attack Emma the poet._

**All:** Come, brands, ho, firebrands. To Diddy's, to Wrinkly's, burn all. Some to Chunky's, house and some to Lanky's. Some to Klubba's. Away, go!

The plebeians exit dragging Emma.


End file.
